Page 14 - Revelation
P. 14

Svetlana de Rohan-Levashova.   Revelation

            that I would fall sick.

                  The pain took total hold of my child's heart and refused to let it go. The world
            seemed intimidating, cold and empty. I could not accept the fact that my grandpa
            would be buried and I would never see him again! I was angry with him that he had
            left me and I was angry with myself that I failed to save him. Life was cruel and
            unfair... and I hated it because I had to bury him. Probably, this is why it was the first
            and last funeral which I ever attended in my life.
                     Reality

                  After the funeral I could not become myself. I became withdrawn and spent a lot
            of time alone, which distressed all my family to the innermost of their hearts. But little
            by little life took its normal course and I gradually began to come out of that deeply
            isolated state in which I submerged myself, but this coming out did not appear to be
            a simple thing... My patient and loving parents  tried to help me, as best as they could.
            But with all their efforts, they did not know that I was not alone anymore, that after
            everything I had experienced, a much more unusual and fantastic world – than that in
            which I had already lived for some time – suddenly opened before me. This world,
            which excelled any imaginary fantasy with its beauty, was presented to me by my
            grandpa’s extraordinary spirit. It was much more striking than everything that had
            happened to me before. Only this time I did not want to share it with anybody for
            some reason.

                   Day passed after day. In my everyday life I was an absolutely normal six-year-
            old child,  who had joys and sorrows, wishes and grief and such unrealizable cheerful
            child's dreams. I chased after pigeons, adored going to the river with my parents,
            played badminton with my friends, helped my mother and grandmother in the garden,
            read my favourite books and studied playing the pianoforte. In other words, I lived
            the most normal and ordinary life of a little child. The only trouble was that by that
            time I already had two Lives. I lived as if being in two quite different worlds: the first
            one was our ordinary world in which we all live every day; and the second one was
            my own "hidden" world where only my soul lived. With every day it became more
            and more difficult for me to understand why did everything that happened to me
            not happen to any of my friends?
                  I began to notice more often that the more I shared my "unbelievable" stories
            with some of  my friends, the more often I felt a strange estrangement and non-child
            watchfulness from them. It hurt and made me very sad. Children are curious, but they
            do not like incomprehensible things. They always try to get to the essence of what is
            going  with  their  child's  mind  as  quickly  as  possible  and  if  they  are  unable  to
            understand it, it becomes "alien" to their everyday reality and they try to forget about
            it as quickly as possible. Gradually I became such an "alien" thing.

                  I also began to understand that my mother was right when she advised me not to
            tell my friends about everything. But I just could not understand why they did not
            want to know about  these things, they were so interesting! So, step by step, I came to
            the  sad understanding  that  I probably  was  not  like  any  other children, that  I  was
            different. When one day I asked my mother about it directly, she said that I must not
            be sad, but on the contrary, I should be proud of it, because it was a special talent.

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