Page 306 - Revelation

Svetlana de Rohan-Levashova. Revelation

– Certainly not the one to which Caraffa prays! – Morone smiled.

I stayed a second more, trying to save the image of this wonderful person in my
soul, waved a farewell and left the room.
The skies fell on me with the squall of anxiety, panic and fear! Where was my
brave lonely girl now? What made her leave Meteora? For some reason Anna left my
persistent calls without answer, although I knew that she heard me. It made me worry
even more and I did my very best not to yield to the panic which was slowly burning
my heart, because I knew that Caraffa would immediately take advantage of my
weakness, and that meant that I would lose, even having not begun to resist...

I secluded myself in "my" rooms and "licked" old wounds. I did not hope to heal
them but simply tried to be as strong and calm as possible in case the open war with
Caraffa began... There was no sense in hoping for a miracle, because I perfectly knew
that we were not a case for miracles... Everything that is to happen I will have to do by
myself.
The impossibility of action was killing me, making me feel forgotten by everybody,
helpless and unnecessary... Although I perfectly knew that I was wrong, the worm of
"black doubt" gnawed my fevered brain, leaving there a notable print of uncertainty
and regret...
I did not regret that Caraffa had me, but I was panic-stricken for Anna. Also I
could not forgive myself the death of my father and Girolamo, my dearest and best
people in the world... Will I be able to avenge them some day? May be all are right,
telling me that I could not beat Caraffa and that I will not destroy him, but foolishly
die myself? Was Sever right, insisting on my coming to Meteora? Has the hope of
destroying the Pope lived only in me all this time?

Also I felt very tired... unhumanly and terribly tired... Sometimes it even seemed
to me that it was better to go to Meteora. In fact there were people that went there and
for some reason they did not worry about people dying around them. They cared for
KNOWING and getting the secret KNOWLEDGE, because they considered themselves
exceptionally gifted... But if they truly were so "exceptional", why then did they forget
the simplest, but in my opinion very important, precept of ours – don’t retire, if others
need your help... How could they close themselves so easily, even without looking
around and trying to help others? How did they calm their souls?
Of course, my "indignant" thoughts did not concern the children of Meteora... It
was not their war; it was only the adults’ responsibility... The children will have to go
a long way in cognition to be able to protect their home, family and all good people
who live on our strange and incomprehensible Earth.

No, I thought exactly about the adults... I thought about those who considered
themselves too "special" to risk their "precious" life, about those who preferred to hide
in Meteora behind its thick walls while Earth incessantly bled and lots of gifted people,
like they were, went to their deaths...
I always esteemed freedom and respected the right of free choice for anybody, but
there were circumstances in life when our personal freedom was not worth millions
of lives of other good people... In any case, this was my strong conviction and I was
not going to change anything. Yes, there were moments of weakness when the sacrifice

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