Page 45 - Revelation

Svetlana de Rohan-Levashova. Revelation

bitter taste of undeserved reproaches or loneliness which had already become almost
permanent.

But the next morning I met met my darling neighbour Leocadia, luminous like a
bright sun, who joyfully asked:
– It's a wonderful day, isn't it?

And I, healthy and strong, became very ashamed of my inexcusable weakness
and, turning red like a ripe tomato, I clenched my little, but "resolute" fists, and again
was ready to throw myself into the fight with the whole world to defend more
furiously all my "abnormalities" and the whole of myself.
I remember that one day after the next "emotional confusion" I sat alone in the
garden under my favourite old apple-tree, trying to make head or tail of my doubts
and errors and was very displeased with the result. Leocadia was planting flowers
under her window (her ailment made it extremely difficult for her to do that) and could
perfectly see me. Probably, she did not like my state of spirits (which, good or bad,
was always clearly visible on my face), because she walked up to the fence and asked
me whether I would like to keep her company for breakfast and taste her pirozki.
I agreed with pleasure. Her presence was always very pleasant and calming, and
her pirozki were always delicious. And also I longed to talk to someone about the things
which had oppressed me for several days. For some reason I did not want to share them
with anybody at home, probably, because sometimes the opinion of an outsider could
give more "food for thought" than the care and untiring attention of the always worried
about me grandmother or mother. Therefore I accepted the neighbour’s invitation with
pleasure, detecting from afar the wonderful scent of my favourite pirozki with cherries.

I was not too "open" when it concerned my "unusual" abilities, but from time to
time I shared with Leocadia some of my failures or distressing incidents, because she
was a truly excellent listener and never tried simply to "protect" me from troubles,
unlike my mother who, unfortunately, did it very often and sometimes it made me
shut more away from her than I would like to. That day I told Leocadia about a little
"failure" which happened during my next "experiment" and strongly vexed me.
– Don't be upset, my dear – she said. – One should not fear falling down; the
most important thing is always to be able to get up.

Many years have passed from that wonderful warm breakfast, but her words were
imprinted in my memory forever and became one of the unwritten laws of my life
where I had to "fall" very often, but until now always succeeded in getting up…
Days passed and I gradually got used to my surprising and so different world and
felt truly happy in it, despite occasional failures. By that time I had clearly understood
that I would not be able to find anybody with whom I could openly share what
constantly happened to me. I calmly took it as a matter of course. I was not distressed
anymore on this occasion and quit any intentions to prove anything to anyone. This
was my world and if somebody did not like it, I was not going to invite them there.
I remember when later reading one of my dad's books, I came across an old
philosopher's lines which were written many centuries ago and which made me very

happy and surprised me unspeakably:

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