Page 41 - Revelation

Svetlana de Rohan-Levashova. Revelation

operation which our family doctor Dana persuaded us to undergo. As far as I could
remember, my mother and I very often had quinsy. It did not happen only in winter
because of cold, but also in summer when it was very dry and warm outside. Should
we overheat a little, our quinsy was right there and forced us to spend a week or two
in bed, which neither my mother nor I were fond of. So, on consulting Dana, we at
last decided to listen to the voice of "professional medicine" and ablate that, which
too often impeded our normal life (although, it appeared later that there was no need
to ablate it and that was the next mistake of our "omniscient" doctors).

The operation was scheduled for a week-day, when my mother, as all others, was
at work. We agreed that I would be the first to go for the operation in the morning and
she would have hers after work. My mum promised that she would try to come at least
half an hour before the doctor started to "attack" me. Strangely enough I did not feel
any fear; however there was an aching feeling of uncertainty. It was the first operation
of my life and I had no idea whatsoever how it would be.
From the early morning I walked along the hospital corridor hither and thither
like a lion cub in a cage, expecting it all to begin at last! I hated waiting for something
or somebody then, as I do now, and I always preferred the most unpleasant reality to
any "downy" uncertainty. When I knew what was happening and how, I was ready to
solve it or, if necessary, fight it. According to my understanding, there was no
unsettled situation, but only indecisive or indifferent people. Therefore in the hospital
I longed to get rid of the "nuisance", which was hanging over my head, as quickly as
possible, and know that everything was left behind.

I never liked hospitals. The sight of so many suffering people in one place
terrified me. I wanted to help them very much, but could not, at the same time feeling
their pain as strongly as if it was mine (probably, being totally "plugged in" to the
situation). I tried to somehow protect myself from it, but it fell heavily on me like an
avalanche, leaving no chance to get away. I wanted to close my eyes, withdraw into
myself and run from all that pain as far and fast as possible without turning round.
My mother still failed to appear and I began to worry that something had detained
her and most likely she could not come. By that time I was tired of walking and sat at
the duty doctor's door, pouting and hoping that somebody would eventually come out
and I would not have to wait anymore. A very nice duty doctor appeared in a few
minutes and said that my operation could start in half an hour, if, of course, I were
ready. I had been ready a long time ago, but could not to do it until my mother came,
because she promised to be there in time, and we were accustomed to always keeping
our promises.

But to my huge regret, time went on and nobody appeared. I found it harder to
wait with every minute. Finally, I decided that probably it would be better, if I went
now and then that nightmare would finally end. I brought all my will together and said
that I was ready to go now, if, certainly, he could receive me.
– But what about your mother? – The good doctor asked, astonished.
– It will be my surprise, – I answered.

– Well then, let’s go, my brave little hero! – The doctor smiled.
He led me into a small, very white room, sat me in an enormous (for my size)

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