Page 124 - Revelation

Svetlana de Rohan-Levashova. Revelation

even more and forced a retreat into my "safe shell". It is highly likely that it was
childish offence that raged inside me because she actually, so I thought, hid a lot from
me and taught me nothing, apparently considering me unworthy or incapable of doing
something greater. Although my inner voice was telling me that I was awfully wrong,
I was unable to calm down and look at the situation from the outside, which I always
did when I thought that I could be wrong.

Finally my impatient heart was unable to bear the silence any longer.
– Well, what were you talking about for so long? If certainly, I am allowed to
know... – I mumbled, not even trying to hide how offended I was.

– We did not talk, we thought. – My grandmother answered, calmly smiling.
It seemed that she simply teased me to provoke me to some action which only she
knew...
– Well then, what did you "think" about? – Then I finally fired, unable to contain
my feelings: – Why does Stella’s grandmother teach her, and you don’t teach me?!
Do you think that I am incapable of anything more?

– First of all, stop boiling or you’ll steam away. – Grandmother said calmly
again. – And secondly, Stella has a long way to go to match you. Besides, what do
you want me to teach you, if you have not yet understood even that which you have
now? So, when you have, we’ll talk about the rest.
I stared at my grandmother, as if I saw her for the first time in my life. What does
she mean "Stella has a long way to go to match me"?! She does such things and knows
so much! And of what am I capable? The only thing I did was just help somebody;
and apart from that I knew nothing.

My grandmother perfectly saw my utter confusion, but did not help a bit,
probably considering that I must get through it on my own, but I could not. The
unexpected "positive" shock made my thoughts somersault. I was absolutely unable
to think soberly and only looked at her with eyes wide open, failing to digest the
"devastating" news...
– But what about "floors"? I could not get there. It was Stella’s grandmother who
showed them to me! – I persistently did not wish to give up.
– Well, she did that precisely so you could try it on your own. – My grandmother
established an "undeniable" fact.

– Can I really go there on my own? – I was dumbfounded.
– Of course you can! It’s the simplest of things that you can do. You don’t
believe in yourself and therefore don’t try...

– I don’t try? – I nearly suffocated at such terrible injustice. – The only thing I
constantly do is keep trying! Well, probably not the things I should try...
Suddenly I remembered that Stella very often repeated that I could do much
more... But what precisely could I do? I had no idea what they all talked about, but
now I felt that I gradually began to calm down and think which always helped me in
any difficult situation. Suddenly life did not seem so unfair to me and I began to
revive.
Being inspired by such good news I, certainly, "tried" during the following days.

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