Page 38 - Revelation

Svetlana de Rohan-Levashova. Revelation

that, because before the incident she always treated me very well, and now she had to
make a quick (and preferably "faultless"!) decision regarding me. I also knew that she
was worried about her son, because we still had no news about his state.

I did not remember how the lesson passed. Time hung heavy and it seemed that
there would be no end to it. Finally the bell rang and I came to the teacher at once and
said that I was so sorry about the incident, but that I honestly did not understand how
it could happen. I do not know whether she knew something about my strange abilities
or she just saw something in my eyes, but she somehow understood that nobody
would be able to punish me more than I had already punished myself.
– Go and prepare for the next lesson, everything will be all right, – she said nothing
more.

I shall never forget that terribly painful hour of expectation, while we waited for
news from the hospital. I felt very frightened and alone, and this awful recollection
was forever printed on my memory. I was guilty of an "attempt" on somebody's
life!!! It did not matter whether it happened by chance or unintentionally. It was a
Human Life, and it could have abruptly come to an end through my action, albeit
inadvertent. Certainly, I had no right whatsoever to do that.
As it turned out to my enormous relief, nothing terrible happened to our
"terrorist-class-mate" except for getting a good fright. He got off with just a small
bump and already the next day sat at his desk; only this time he was quiet as a mouse
and, to everybody's satisfaction, undertook no "vindictive" action toward me. The
world was wonderful again!!! I could breathe freely, without feeling that terrible guilt,
which recently hung so heavily on me and which would have poisoned my whole
existence for many long years, if a different reply had come from the hospital.
Certainly, the bitter sense of reproach and deep regret for what I had done still
shattered my peace and quiet, but that terrible genuine sense of fear, which held my
whole being in its cold grip until we got positive news, left my perturbed soul. It
seemed that everything was all right again. However, this ill-starred incident left such
a deep print in my heart that I could not even hear about anything "unusual". I pushed
aside the least manifestation of any "oddity" in me, and as soon as I felt that something
"strange" began to show up, I tried to suppress it, preventing myself from being
involved in a whirlpool of any sudden dangerous activity.

I honestly tried to be the most ordinary "normal" child: I went to school (and
studied even more than usual!), read a lot, more often went to the cinema with friends,
diligently attended my favourite musical school… and continuously felt a deep aching
emptiness in my soul which any of those studies and pastimes were unable to fill,
even if I honestly tried to do my best.
But days raced past one another and everything "bad and frightful" gradually
began to be forgotten. Time healed big and small scars in my child's heart and, like
they say, absolutely correctly, truly appeared to be the best and most reliable healer.
I began to come back to life and little by little returned to my usual "abnormal" state
which I had terribly missed all this time.

Not without reason do they say that even the heaviest burden is not so heavy for
us only because it ours. It appeared that I longed for my "abnormalities" which became

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